I started this blog to draw the attention of readers who; enjoy reading original ideas that are met with a bit of a comedic background. I really want this blog to remain open minded and to reflect who I am as not only a writer, but, as a human-being. Consider it the beginning of an implicit adventure.
Please be patient, for I am more pieces broken than I am put together.
Forgive me if I drag memories from past loves into our sacred foyer. I do want to give you new attention and a clean slate. It’s my stubborn and foolish brain that won’t allow me do so completely.
So while I am quiet and reserved, don’t be afraid. All I am doing is fighting the hauntings of my past and making new ground for your love to parade.
Some times I just need a few minutes to cool down after arguments because my brain is analyzing every stupid thing that just left my mouth. All I truly want to do is play cards with your demons and drink to your sanity.
I want to be your bold and your warmth. The only thing I’m searching for is permanent. I want to be permanent with you, of you and for you.
See, I’m not the type to waste my time over temporary. I’ve been on a quest to find my soul mate since the day I could walk. Every step was built towards cascading my arms over your flesh. I need you.
I need you to know that there will be days that I am cold and rigid and far away. My messy brain sometimes bombards me with questions like “why would anyone ever want me?”
I’m not going to be easy to love but what I can promise you is that I will spend hours telling everyone how magnificent you are. I’ll make the stars feel jealous because only you can brighten me up.
I’ll argue with flowers and mountains over your beauty. Because while some people are busy staring at scenery I’ll be staring at the woman standing next to me.
So the next woman who greets my heart; I am ready.
My reality is different from yours.
Where you see rainbows, I see angry storm clouds. Where you see a mother and child holding hands I see a violent threat. Most of the time my delusions weigh me down and bring me back to the places or things that I have failed. I see shadows of has beens and what could haves. I hear the undertone of a mad man yelling hateful and derogatory things at his wife.
A lot of the time the voices I hear bring me back to painful memories of where I made a mistake. The guilt and the shame that has paired against me has now tripled in size and I am a tadpole in the swamp of my victories. Everything is messy.
I am not a criminal.
Although the taunts of “Just do it. Kill them.” Do occur. More times than not the hauntings are a third party and everyone is wanting ME to die. Sometimes the voices are so persuasive that I do begin to fantasize my own death. The funeral. The empty chairs. The hot firery chamber where my body will enlight. Sometimes I get these shakes and then the tears come. Like a thunderstorm, I am drowning.
Pardon me while I can’t focus on our outward conversation because there are 30 voices speaking to me at once and most of them are chanting “it’s all your fault.” Take your worst inner critic and quadruple it. Bam! You’ve got my brain.
Give me a second to catch up
With all of this internal noise it is difficult for me to sit still and pay attention to you. Sometimes I space out because a voice just told me I’m not going to make it to 30. And a lot of the times I agree with her.
It’s not that I don’t want to give you feedback.
It’s that my throat has now closed and all I can hear is the sounds of ambulances and car crashes and my brain is trying to convince me that you were apart of it. I want to fix you and make you better. I have a superpower and I could do it. Oh wait that’s the hallucinations talking.
Every month I have to set aside a date to get my injection. I have to remember that every third Tuesday is medication day. It may seem like such a little task but to a Schizophrenic it is so much worse. Medication days are just another reminder that we are unwell beings that require a constant dose of “you’re gonna get through this,” and “we love you no matter what.” Needing constant reassurance like a toddler needs their parent.
Being schizophrenic means my happiness has an inevitable expiration date.. because the psychosis is evil and it will come back. Being schizophrenic means living in a dream state of superpowers. The doctors call it delusional processing but I think it’s something bigger.
Don’t get me started on relationships.. it’s hard to love a schizophrenic but it’s even harder to be a schizophrenic loving a non-schizo. You will struggle to understand why I’m looking at you with a grin from hell. It’s because I heard a completely different sentence leave your lips than what you had intended. You see, the voices.. they are master manipulators. They are mean and impulsive. When you tell me that we need to talk I hear 7 different tones telling me to kill myself. And as much as I love you sometimes I wish you were unwell just so you could understand.
Imagine always having to give your partner a run down on your illness. “Okay, this is what it looks like when I’m manic.” “I need you to say this when I’m crying at your doorstep at 3am.” I live in a constant fear of being abandoned because of my illness. Who would want to take on the detriment of loving such an ugly disease? Probably no one.
My schizophrenia has destroyed countless relationships with women that I thought were the ones for me. How many times did I sit on the edge of my bed and think “wow! this is it. I’ve found her.” Only to have my reality ripped from my chest and thrown in the nearest river to drown.
I’ve been stable for one full year but I can’t help but fear the day where that too gets ripped from me. Schizophrenia is unpredictable. I could have a mental breakdown any day now and that’s the scariest realization. And I’m scared that the next heart I fall in love with will only want to stay when days are good. Because when days are bad.. I get committed to mental hospitals. Where my delusions take charge and I have no strength left in me to fight.
The mental hospital becomes my safe-zone. Everyone in there is fighting a similar battle and together we are in unity. But when it’s discharge day and I’m packing my things to return home? I’m bawling. Because the hardest part isn’t going, it’s leaving.
I recognized that your heart has been broken for some time now. I know, it wasn’t just from that last relationship but from every relationship and every road you left unraveled. Let me understand: your gifts were wrapped too tightly for anyone to break open and set free. Your spirits are in shambles and your soul has been mistreated, leading you down a path of dysfunction and fear.
Don’t you think it’s time to turn the tides?
You’re in control now. Actually, you were in control from the very start you just got a little lost along the way.
It happens to the best of us.
Everything is going to be alright from here-on-in. If you are ready. Taking the grips back on your battlefield is going to take a lot of guts and a large mental capacity. But I believe you can do it. It all begins by looking within and seeing your true reflection looking back at you in the mirror. That light in your eyes didn’t wash away. The sparkles are still there; just slightly dimmer.
Grab a hold of yourself and find the deep-seated roots to all your dreams. You are the one that planted them after-all. Live this life with one foot in front of the other and focus on today. Consider each day a gift from the universe and take everything easy. Re-frame your perspectives and fail to re-visit the dwellings of your past mistakes and misfortunes. There truly is no time like the present.
Your goals are achievable all that needs to happen is for you to break them down into some smaller components. Target small short term goals right now. Tackle the shit out of them before jumping waist deep into the larger pools of your fortitude. A wise man once said “a lifetime is not lived in one day.”
You need to confront your fears head on there, beauty. Nothing worth having was created in one day. Not our children, our homes, our careers nor our relationships. Everything takes time. Don’t stress about the long-term because the long-term is not here yet. Place the spotlight on you, on you here! Right now, whilst reading this. This is your runway. Your catwalk. Your life. Re-visit the memories of yesterday but do not stay there for you will lose the path that desires to be walked today.
Two-step your heart back into this dance that you call your life. You’ve got this, street fighter.
Galaxies are beyond our times. Memories are created in galactic moments and then they are gone. But: our brains still cling to the visions. Envision your life like an altitude of enchanted dreams and keep on questing.
Love escapes in forms of abrasion. But love also directs in the solititude of emotional circumstance.
What is your circumstance telling you?
When you’re lost and out of control
Grab the grips of your gravity and release
Expense your own reports and belittle the external noise
Gravity will pull you in and bring joy to the broken parts of you.
Memories tear at the solitude of my illusion
Defused and bruised, deterioration
Experience the depths of an abused delusion
Indulge in the mind at the pits of me.
Mental illness is the invasion of your mental stability by a lack of chemical imbalances and control.
Self care is the act of caring for ones self through a system of individual treasures.
Why did I string these two particular topics into one marvelous creation? For your soul benefit of course! This is going to be some serious food for the soul, for the spirit. Mental illness is a discovered damager. It damages your entire being. It hinders your growth, your abilities and your overall well being.. (IF YOU GIVE IT THE POWER TO.) There is no blatant cure for mental illness. But that does not mean there isn’t any hope. (YOU MUST GIVE THE POWER TO YOURSELF.) With the right amount of self-care, will-power and spirituality anything is possible. I am living proof, a victim of mental illness myself, and I am here to tell you that the skies are the limit for you.
If you aren’t already familiar with the ART of self care then you have come to the right place. Mental illness and self care should always go hand, in hand. Caring for one’s well-being is and should remain an inside job; it should be something we all aim to act upon. With the proper self care and the proper attitude you can achieve greatness. You can survive. You will flourish. You are good enough. Self care is our “cure.” Self care is the appreciation we deserve. It’s the abundance of love that we’ve been longing for. It’s the hug we need from our friends. I’m telling you right now that if you start a self care program, a routine, a schedule and stick to it, stick to you.. you will make it. You will achieve great things.
Here lies 17 self care tips and options! :
Speak to a general practitioner about how you are feeling on a regular basis.
Take your prescribed medications and take them to the degree that works for you. – If you don’t like looking at a bottle of pills try decorating the bottle, try moving your pills into something cuter, something prettier! Make a “self help jar” (I’ll teach you in an upcoming video!)
Involve yourself in creative expression, make whatever it is you love into an ART.
Leave little reminders around your environment that clue you into loving yourself. – I have window stickers with positive quotes I read every single morning to start me off for a good day.
Eat healthy balanced meals – better nutrition = lower stress levels = healthier, more mentally stable you.
Incorporate balance into your lifestyle – allow yourself to feel all emotions fully. Feel anger, and feel joy in the same way. Do it with EXPLOSION, do it with pride.
Engage yourself in a healthy exercise at least 3 times a week. – You need to get your heart pumping again. Dance, do cardiovascular activities, lift heavy weights really fast. Please: you literally need to pump and circulate newer, warmer blood into your body to feel alive again because you are depressed. Your heart needs it. You need it.
Take something ugly and make it beautiful again. – If you’re like me and you hate seeing reminders of your illness around you. Transform those reminders into something beautiful. I have a book about anger management that I hate the title. I hate reading it. So I reworded the book and now it’s tolerable. 🙂
Incorporate colour into your life. – Wearing bright colours or looking at bright colours will help you grow a positive vibe. Dark colours typically remind me of bad things because of my illness therefore I like to buy things that are bright. I have a fricken rainbow armband tattoo because it’s so vibrant and full of pride. It reminds me to smile. It also is a representation of my spirit.
Laugh often! – Watch funny videos on YouTube, watch your favourite comedian perform, god see them live! Make funny videos, prank your friends, prank your parents! Hell prank anyone! Just laugh.
Eat, sleep, rave, repeat. – Eat the right nutrition, sleep when you’re tired, rant and rave to let things out of you, repeat the process.
Marry yourself. – Commit to loving yourself for one full year. Just one year. Maintain your self care lifestyle for one full year and review the positive changes.
Get a belief system – You need to believe in something even if it’s yourself. Be your own goddamn superhero. Pick yourself up and get back into the fucking race.
Pick a spiritual path – Give your life meaning by picking a spiritual path that reaches your own heart and that motivates your spirit, your soul. If you love fitness, make that your spiritual path. Make it your passion.
Make and spread eternal love. – Be kind, do kind things and karma will reward you.
Write a list of your positive qualities.- Read it daily.
Get a mantra – “I am strong enough.” “I am smart enough.” “I am giving enough.”
A Mind Wide Open 