I started this blog to draw the attention of readers who; enjoy reading original ideas that are met with a bit of a comedic background. I really want this blog to remain open minded and to reflect who I am as not only a writer, but, as a human-being. Consider it the beginning of an implicit adventure.
Please be patient, for I am more pieces broken than I am put together.
Forgive me if I drag memories from past loves into our sacred foyer. I do want to give you new attention and a clean slate. It’s my stubborn and foolish brain that won’t allow me do so completely.
So while I am quiet and reserved, don’t be afraid. All I am doing is fighting the hauntings of my past and making new ground for your love to parade.
Some times I just need a few minutes to cool down after arguments because my brain is analyzing every stupid thing that just left my mouth. All I truly want to do is play cards with your demons and drink to your sanity.
I want to be your bold and your warmth. The only thing I’m searching for is permanent. I want to be permanent with you, of you and for you.
See, I’m not the type to waste my time over temporary. I’ve been on a quest to find my soul mate since the day I could walk. Every step was built towards cascading my arms over your flesh. I need you.
I need you to know that there will be days that I am cold and rigid and far away. My messy brain sometimes bombards me with questions like “why would anyone ever want me?”
I’m not going to be easy to love but what I can promise you is that I will spend hours telling everyone how magnificent you are. I’ll make the stars feel jealous because only you can brighten me up.
I’ll argue with flowers and mountains over your beauty. Because while some people are busy staring at scenery I’ll be staring at the woman standing next to me.
So the next woman who greets my heart; I am ready.
My reality is different from yours.
Where you see rainbows, I see angry storm clouds. Where you see a mother and child holding hands I see a violent threat. Most of the time my delusions weigh me down and bring me back to the places or things that I have failed. I see shadows of has beens and what could haves. I hear the undertone of a mad man yelling hateful and derogatory things at his wife.
A lot of the time the voices I hear bring me back to painful memories of where I made a mistake. The guilt and the shame that has paired against me has now tripled in size and I am a tadpole in the swamp of my victories. Everything is messy.
I am not a criminal.
Although the taunts of “Just do it. Kill them.” Do occur. More times than not the hauntings are a third party and everyone is wanting ME to die. Sometimes the voices are so persuasive that I do begin to fantasize my own death. The funeral. The empty chairs. The hot firery chamber where my body will enlight. Sometimes I get these shakes and then the tears come. Like a thunderstorm, I am drowning.
Pardon me while I can’t focus on our outward conversation because there are 30 voices speaking to me at once and most of them are chanting “it’s all your fault.” Take your worst inner critic and quadruple it. Bam! You’ve got my brain.
Give me a second to catch up
With all of this internal noise it is difficult for me to sit still and pay attention to you. Sometimes I space out because a voice just told me I’m not going to make it to 30. And a lot of the times I agree with her.
It’s not that I don’t want to give you feedback.
It’s that my throat has now closed and all I can hear is the sounds of ambulances and car crashes and my brain is trying to convince me that you were apart of it. I want to fix you and make you better. I have a superpower and I could do it. Oh wait that’s the hallucinations talking.
Every month I have to set aside a date to get my injection. I have to remember that every third Tuesday is medication day. It may seem like such a little task but to a Schizophrenic it is so much worse. Medication days are just another reminder that we are unwell beings that require a constant dose of “you’re gonna get through this,” and “we love you no matter what.” Needing constant reassurance like a toddler needs their parent.
Being schizophrenic means my happiness has an inevitable expiration date.. because the psychosis is evil and it will come back. Being schizophrenic means living in a dream state of superpowers. The doctors call it delusional processing but I think it’s something bigger.
Don’t get me started on relationships.. it’s hard to love a schizophrenic but it’s even harder to be a schizophrenic loving a non-schizo. You will struggle to understand why I’m looking at you with a grin from hell. It’s because I heard a completely different sentence leave your lips than what you had intended. You see, the voices.. they are master manipulators. They are mean and impulsive. When you tell me that we need to talk I hear 7 different tones telling me to kill myself. And as much as I love you sometimes I wish you were unwell just so you could understand.
Imagine always having to give your partner a run down on your illness. “Okay, this is what it looks like when I’m manic.” “I need you to say this when I’m crying at your doorstep at 3am.” I live in a constant fear of being abandoned because of my illness. Who would want to take on the detriment of loving such an ugly disease? Probably no one.
My schizophrenia has destroyed countless relationships with women that I thought were the ones for me. How many times did I sit on the edge of my bed and think “wow! this is it. I’ve found her.” Only to have my reality ripped from my chest and thrown in the nearest river to drown.
I’ve been stable for one full year but I can’t help but fear the day where that too gets ripped from me. Schizophrenia is unpredictable. I could have a mental breakdown any day now and that’s the scariest realization. And I’m scared that the next heart I fall in love with will only want to stay when days are good. Because when days are bad.. I get committed to mental hospitals. Where my delusions take charge and I have no strength left in me to fight.
The mental hospital becomes my safe-zone. Everyone in there is fighting a similar battle and together we are in unity. But when it’s discharge day and I’m packing my things to return home? I’m bawling. Because the hardest part isn’t going, it’s leaving.
I recognized that your heart has been broken for some time now. I know, it wasn’t just from that last relationship but from every relationship and every road you left unraveled. Let me understand: your gifts were wrapped too tightly for anyone to break open and set free. Your spirits are in shambles and your soul has been mistreated, leading you down a path of dysfunction and fear.
Don’t you think it’s time to turn the tides?
You’re in control now. Actually, you were in control from the very start you just got a little lost along the way.
It happens to the best of us.
Everything is going to be alright from here-on-in. If you are ready. Taking the grips back on your battlefield is going to take a lot of guts and a large mental capacity. But I believe you can do it. It all begins by looking within and seeing your true reflection looking back at you in the mirror. That light in your eyes didn’t wash away. The sparkles are still there; just slightly dimmer.
Grab a hold of yourself and find the deep-seated roots to all your dreams. You are the one that planted them after-all. Live this life with one foot in front of the other and focus on today. Consider each day a gift from the universe and take everything easy. Re-frame your perspectives and fail to re-visit the dwellings of your past mistakes and misfortunes. There truly is no time like the present.
Your goals are achievable all that needs to happen is for you to break them down into some smaller components. Target small short term goals right now. Tackle the shit out of them before jumping waist deep into the larger pools of your fortitude. A wise man once said “a lifetime is not lived in one day.”
You need to confront your fears head on there, beauty. Nothing worth having was created in one day. Not our children, our homes, our careers nor our relationships. Everything takes time. Don’t stress about the long-term because the long-term is not here yet. Place the spotlight on you, on you here! Right now, whilst reading this. This is your runway. Your catwalk. Your life. Re-visit the memories of yesterday but do not stay there for you will lose the path that desires to be walked today.
Two-step your heart back into this dance that you call your life. You’ve got this, street fighter.
Moving forward doesnt mean ignoring your roadblocks. Actually, it means keeping your roadblocks, road-locked. Keep them at your side and continuing to push forward despite the barricades.
Acknowledgement is key. Keeping your heart at your side and STICKING to the plan makes the world spin perfectly. Everything is presented to you as a gift you just need to see it under the right set of light.
The roadblocks to your hearts adventures are all found within.
1. Anger and resentment.
2. Grief and guilt.
3. Self pity.
Acknowledge these things and push beyond them. Look at yourself as a mirror. Whatever you see inside of yourself is what you will attract. Be greater. Seek out greatness and push onward.
Acknowledge. Recognize. Respect.
Galaxies are beyond our times. Memories are created in galactic moments and then they are gone. But: our brains still cling to the visions. Envision your life like an altitude of enchanted dreams and keep on questing.
Love escapes in forms of abrasion. But love also directs in the solititude of emotional circumstance.
What is your circumstance telling you?
Negative thinking will be your demise if you allow it to detain you and your heart.
Refuse to lock yourself in a cage or cafe of materialistic, internal BS.
The best way to silence your own demise would be to annihilate it with profession.
Don’t look upon your ghosts but follow your heart in the direction of the wind.
Wherever the wind will sweep you away, follow it.
Direct your heart within the directions of north and south as long as it’s between the times and the decisions of your inner soul. Soul food. Don’t forget, soul food. SOLE!!!!
When you’re lost and out of control
Grab the grips of your gravity and release
Expense your own reports and belittle the external noise
Gravity will pull you in and bring joy to the broken parts of you.